Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear like hard work, frequently resulting in significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance to you through mirroring what you want completely … and later on you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and recognize the worth of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American therapy professional who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
