The Words from A Parent Which Saved Me during my time as a First-Time Parent

"I think I was simply trying to survive for the first year."

Former Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey expected to manage the challenges of becoming a dad.

However the reality rapidly proved to be "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Severe health problems surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was forced into becoming her main carer in addition to caring for their newborn son Leo.

"I was doing every night time, each diaper… each outing. The duty of both parents," Ryan stated.

Following nearly a year he became exhausted. It was a talk with his parent, on a public seat, that made him realise he required support.

The simple phrases "You are not in a good place. You must get assistance. In what way can I help you?" paved the way for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and regain his footing.

His experience is far from unique, but infrequently talked about. While the public is now better used to talking about the strain on mums and about postpartum depression, less is said about the difficulties new fathers go through.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan feels his difficulties are symptomatic of a broader reluctance to open up among men, who continue to absorb harmful notions of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and doesn't fall every time."

"It is not a display of failure to ask for help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he clarifies.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist focusing on mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to admit they're having a hard time.

They can feel they are "not justified to be requesting help" - especially in preference to a mum and baby - but she highlights their mental state is just as important to the family.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the chance to request a break - spending a couple of days away, outside of the home environment, to see things clearly.

He realised he had to make a change to focus on his and his partner's feelings in addition to the logistical chores of taking care of a new baby.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she was yearning" -holding her hand and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That insight has changed how Ryan views fatherhood.

He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he aspires his son will look at as he gets older.

Ryan thinks these will assist his son better understand the language of feelings and understand his parenting choices.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen was without consistent male parenting. Despite having an "amazing" connection with his dad, deep-held trauma meant his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, making difficult their relationship.

Stephen says repressing emotions resulted in him make "bad actions" when he was younger to alter how he was feeling, finding solace in substance use as a way out from the anguish.

"You find your way to things that are harmful," he explains. "They may short-term modify how you feel, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Strategies for Getting By as a New Dad

• Share with someone - when you are overwhelmed, tell a friend, your partner or a professional what you're going through. This can to lighten the load and make you feel less alone.
• Maintain your passions - continue with the pursuits that allowed you to feel like you before having a baby. It could be playing sport, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Don't ignore the body - nutritious food, physical activity and if you can, sleep, all play a role in how your emotional health is faring.
• Spend time with other first-time fathers - hearing about their journeys, the difficult parts, and also the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that asking for help is not failure - taking care of yourself is the optimal method you can support your loved ones.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally had difficulty processing the passing, having been out of touch with him for years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his own son and instead give the security and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a outburst, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - managing the frustrations safely.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become improved and more well-rounded men due to the fact that they confronted their pain, transformed how they express themselves, and taught themselves to manage themselves for their children.

"I have improved at… processing things and handling things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a letter to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I expressed, on occasion I believe my job is to guide and direct you on life, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding as much as you are in this journey."